dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
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Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Beware of the dog..
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
And they lived apathetically ever after.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
plums roundup
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
oppen heimer style lol
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.