I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
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Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.