[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
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“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
tourist season
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?