nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
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on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.