Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
You Might Also Like
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
accurate
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.