people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
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Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
“our sushi is very fresh”
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.