[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
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Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
That’s incredible! 👌
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence