Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
You Might Also Like
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
The Assassin.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?