Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
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Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Somebody’s lying.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered