It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
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I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
They’re on their honeymoon
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.