Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
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“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
What my back needs
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
We all have our pet causes.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”