good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
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I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he