[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
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It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?