[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
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[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…