ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
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I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Pigeon open mic night.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.