That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
You Might Also Like
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it