Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
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nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
How to properly lift a body
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.