They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
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You know…for fall…
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!