God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
You Might Also Like
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?