Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
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“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.