I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
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So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it