Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
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I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Dune (2021)
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”