walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
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Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.