a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
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I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”