Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
You Might Also Like
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
*serious situation*
My brain:
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?