Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
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Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
What a website
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers