Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
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jesus, what did this guy do
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!馃槃
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
So creative 馃槀
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Our homeowner鈥檚 association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don鈥檛 read email.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Don鈥檛 judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter鈥檚 night stand.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him