Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
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The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.