im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
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Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I only eat vegetarians.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”