Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
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Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
the #horror is real!
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
My patience has stretch marks.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I was bored.