nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
You Might Also Like
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.