FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
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Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.