Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
You Might Also Like
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?