I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
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[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.