Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
You Might Also Like
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Nothing to do, you say?
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.