Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
You Might Also Like
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
is nasa ok
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
smh
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*