E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
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“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I didn’t come here to be called names
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
being a writer on Twitter:
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.