Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
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me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
BETRAYAL
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school