“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
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I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol