Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
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my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.