You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
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Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”