Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
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Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.