Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
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I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
🤣😈🤣
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Happy Thanksgiving
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]