ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
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My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Extremely relatable.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.