I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
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I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Netflix: We have Less
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing