How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Jesus Christ lmao
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Battery falling down a hole
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast