Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
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Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.