[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
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alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH