Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
You Might Also Like
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
🌱🌱🌱
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning