[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
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Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk